Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
