:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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