Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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