My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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