She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
