smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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