I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Your face is a jimmy john
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
