True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
barbara walters just said penis...
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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