I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
