can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
