i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
