absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
