it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
