Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
