Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
