I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
