He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
