for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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