4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
