I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
