Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Randomize
