My liver just broke up with me...
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
