she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
