I wish my penis had an off switch
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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