My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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