well I can't set my house on fire every night
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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