Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
