i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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