god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
