That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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