i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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