alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
