i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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