it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
