is your mom at the bar?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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