you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
