So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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