He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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