Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
