i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I will be naked everywhere
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
