Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
