There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
