I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
