remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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