I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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