We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
