well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
