I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
