so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
