I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
